Do you have a rebellious teenager? Are you struggling with troubled youth? How do you get them to change their negative behavior? Some would say you can’t change someone else. But according to Michael J. Merchant, the President of Anasazi Foundation, there IS a way to get someone to change, but the way to do it might surprise you . . .
Transcript of A SURPRISING Way to Change Negative Behavior:
Look, when young people are making choices they shouldn’t be making in their life, they’ve created a new need in their life and that’s justification—they have to explain it away. They have to explain it away—they have to make it okay to make those kind of choices—choices that would be harmful to themselves or their family. They have to justify it.
And, too often, we give them the very justification they need to explain it away. And so, by us withholding our love, by us bringing to them a heart at war—we simply give them justification. We think, when our child is making those kinds of choices, we gotta keep the pressure up, we got to stay in their face, we got to make sure they see the bad things they’re doing wrong. And so we stay on it. We actually think if we don’t that we’re going to let them off the hook.
Well, it’s just the opposite of what we think. It’s actually our heart at war—our pressure, our withholding our love that actually let’s them off the hook. Because then they can just blame us. They can just say: “Well, it’s—my mom doesn’t care about me anyway. My dad’s just in my face all the time. And they don’t trust me anyway.” And they actually need that when they’re making wrong choices. They need that justification. It’s like air to breathe. And, in a strange kind of way, it’s actually the deepest addiction of all: the addiction that we have to the justification we need—the story we tell ourselves to make it okay, to make those kinds of choices that would be harmful to ourselves or others.
And so, when we love them we allow them to stand before their own conscience in the face of someone who actually cares about them. That’s the best chance they’ll actually see their lives truthfully. That’s the best chance they’ll ever change. No one can change until they become fully responsible for their life. And no can become fully responsible for their life when they’re just giving lots of justification. The best chance somebody will become responsible for their life is in the face of someone who actually loves them and cares about them.
Terry Warner once said: “Our love will indict their spirit, whereas our blame will only console them.” I’ve always loved that line. Blame them, struggle with them, have a heart at war towards them, withhold our love from them in an effort to get them to change, and we just give them justification to keep doing the things we don’t want them to do.
Love them and we change their world. We give them somebody different to respond to. There’s a thread tugging on their heart that someone actually cares about them and it makes it really hard from them to do those things they’re doing. And if they’re doing those things, I want them to feel the full weight of the choices that they’re doing—and that’s the only way they’re going to feel that.
